All Time Low

I’m not really sure what this post is going to be about, but I just felt like I wanted to write. Something. Anything. It doesn’t matter what. My blog is my outlet and I’ve neglected it and left it alone for too long. I started writing posts that I thought my readers would want to read, but they weren’t necessarily what I wanted to write. I feel like I’ve lost my mojo and I don’t know how to get it back.

Maybe writing this will help, maybe it won’t. Who knows?

When I started my blog, just over 2 years ago, I wrote as and when I wanted to, and I wrote what I wanted to write, what I felt, how I was coping.

Somewhere along the way I lost that, and I want to get it back. I want that feeling of pressing publish, knowing that I’ve opened up to my readers, and I’ve been completely raw and honest with them. That there is nothing that I’m hiding from my readers, or from myself.

I want my readers to see the real me.

The one who cries, the one who gets anxious, the one who struggles to get out of bed on a daily basis. The one who sleeps through her alarm when fatigue is bad. The one who is constantly fighting an uphill battle. The one who has 5 meltdowns in one day.

The one that I try to hide.

I hate people knowing or thinking that I’m struggling. I want to appear strong and capable. I want to appear healthy. But that’s just not true.

Sometimes I’m not strong, sometimes I’m not capable, and most of the time I’m sure as hell not healthy. I hate people seeing me at my worst, but sometimes it just can’t be helped.

I don’t want to be this person, and a lot of the time I’m not. But today, I am. And instead of hiding it and pretending everything is ok, I need to be open about it, and talk about it.

Right now, I feel like I’m drowning. There’s a little voice constantly telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’m not strong enough, that I’m just not enough at all. I’m second guessing myself, everything I say, everything everybody else says. I’m questioning things that shouldn’t be questioned. I’m worrying about things that shouldn’t be worried about, and neglecting things that shouldn’t be neglected.

My ME/CFS is playing up, and my mental health is playing up, and I’m not ok. I’m an expert at bottling things up and pretending everything is fine. I’m an expert at plastering a smile on my face and acting completely normal. But I’m also an expert at crying myself to sleep at night. I’m an expert at letting it all get too much at exactly the wrong time. I’m an expert in taking things the wrong way and making things ten times worse for myself. I’m an expert of being my own worst enemy.

Yesterday was a bad day. So was the day before. And so is today. But instead of trying to hide it, I’m trying to accept it. I’m trying to be honest about it, and ask for help.

I’m not ok, but I will be soon.